Depression & Love: Open Letter To My Ex

I wrote a letter to my ex a while ago. I have meant to do so for a while, in hopes that it would help me deal with what my ex put me through.

But a band I listen to and love wanted people to send in their letters to their ex so it can be included in their new music video, so I wrote a letter for that, and I felt a lot better getting it off my chest.

I will share my open letter to my ex here. I may change it a little, or add more bits in as it had to be shorter than I wanted to say. But I want to share it so people know they're not alone, and to show how nice it is to get it off your chest. My ex will never see this letter, but just writing was pretty empowering for me to do - and he couldn't argue back about what I was saying!!!

This may be potentially triggering or upsetting, so please take care when reading.

My Open Letter:

It's been a few months since we broke up.

It was a huge change, due to how long we were together, but it has given me some time to reflect on us, and to reflect on me and how you treated me.

I now know that the relationship was pretty much doomed from the start. Most people have the "honeymoon period", but I'm pretty sure we skipped right over that. You never really gave me butterflies, other than when you were yelling at me and I was kinda scared for my life. You blamed me and didn't treat me nicely from the start. But I ignored all the red flags because I thought I loved you, and I hoped that you would love me too - I wanted someone to love me because I never had that truly before. And now I am aware that I still have never had that - after a 4 year relationship, you never loved me, not even when you said you did - you either lied about loving me or you have a really warped sense of love and what love is, as what you shared with me was not love.

You lied to me and yelled at me.

You broke my trust and messed me up.

You were rude, aggressive, selfish, controlling, manipulative, unsatisfied, horrible and so much more.

You treated me like I was dirt, or worse. Everything was always MY fault, even that I know now it wasn't.

You put me down daily and forced me to do things I didn't want to. You broke and destroyed me, and made me feel worthless, and you blamed ME for the way you made me feel!You made me feel completely lose myself. I didn't know who I was anymore.

Nothing I did was ever good enough, even if I did exactly what you wanted me to. You always had to be my top priority, when usually I wasn't even a priority to you - let alone top. Your games were more important, as were your friends. You couldn't be bothered to come out to see me sometimes because "it's not worth it for only a few hours", leaving me in tears, even once at work because clearly I meant nothing to you if I wasn't worth seeing. I HAD to come and see you whenever we planned for me to, even when I was ill - even the time when I was so ill and exhausted that I kept passing out; that I kept passing out on the bus on the way there, when anything could have happened to me, but I had to come over, and all that happened when I turned up was that I passed out on the floor and was left there for 2 hours or more and having you complain to me because I was sick and I was going to make you really sick so therefore I had to look after you even though I was so weak I could barely move.

I had to do everything for you, even if I didn't want to. And what did you do for me? You sold me your old Xbox, you forgot my birthday, you made me lend you money for unimportant thing for 2 years and never brought me a thing and only paid about half of it back, you yelled at me and never listened to what I had to say even (especially) when you knew I was right, you told me that I fuck everything up and that everything has been worse since the day you met me and that I can never do any better than you but that you deserve better, you yelled at me and told me I was stupid any time I had a panic or anxiety attack or showed my mental illness symptoms in any ways Yet you would cry and fake panic attacks any time you were overly horrible to me as a guilt trip, you scared my life by being violent towards me when you were drunk and continued drinking even though you promised me you would stop so that I never had to go through that again, you yelled at me when I put myself first and when I said "no" to you so that I wouldn't feel so shit and to stop myself from feeling as close to ending it all. There was so much else that you did for me, but what truly DID you do for me? Nothing, not really. Well I lie, you were nice to me and semi-complimented me when you thought it was going to get you something or stop me from breaking up with you.

BUT...

I am stronger now, because of you.

I have built myself up. I am beginning to know who I am again - someone different than I was, but someone stronger and (I think) better. So thank you for destroying me so completely that I can start over new - that I can rebuild from the ashes just like a phoenix. I WILL rise!!

Because of you I will make it through, and nothing will hurt me like you did, anymore!!

I let you have power over me - too much power and not the good kind. That was stupid of me, but I have learned from my mistakes and my weakness and for thinking that it was love. Now, I will never let anyone destroy me and my happiness, and I will never let anyone use me and cause me to lose myself just like you did. I am stronger now than I have ever been, in terms of what I want and in defending myself from people who are toxic to me.

I now know what love is like - I have experienced true love, and I am not even with the guy. I would never have experienced that from you, and would never have found it if I had stayed with you. Now I know the love I want, and that is thanks to you for making me never want to go through what you put me through. It is also (mainly) thanks to him for being amazing and treating me well, and for showing me what love is and making me experience what it is like to have someone who truly cares about you and appreciates you and accepts you for EXACTLY who you are.

These are some quotes that I love.

You don't ever want to date a guy who says that he is the best that you will ever get or that no one else will love you as much as he does, or love you at all - that is NOT true. By telling you that he is too good for you automatically makes you deserve SOOOOO much better than him!

These also show that it's better to be on your own than to be in the wrong or a toxic relationship - it isn't love if someone destroys you intentionally - if you tell them how bad they are making you feel and they go ahead and do it anyway. If you ignore red flags, or pretend that it isn't as bad as it really is. You deserve better, and this goes out to males and females, gay, lesbian or straight - NO ONE deserves to be treated like this by anyone who supposedly loves them.

So this is my open letter to my ex, along with a little additional statement.

Stay Strong!! Have a lovely day!

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