Birthdays Suck

So it's my birthday tomorrow....

My birthday is a sucky time really.

Most people are so happy and excited around their birthdays, but not me. I should be, but it's never special, so I'm not.

When you have depression and other mental illnesses, it's hard to feel happy and excited about things, which makes you feel like shit, so that really doesn't help. I know I should feel happy but I'm too depressed to even want to feel happy a lot of the time.

When I was a young kid, my birthday was a lot better than it is now. My family would come over and my parents wouldn't argue as much. It was great when they didn't argue, which was why I loved my birthday.

But it's just got worse each year. 

My parents argue all the time. No one puts in any effort. No one really cares or says happy birthday. I get isolated and feel so unwanted. And I see other people my age properly celebrating and all the things their family and friends do for them and their parties and everything, and I have none of that.

There's been so many horrible birthdays, with people forgetting, people having a go at me and treating me like shit, people not getting me presents (I mean presents aren't important but if I spend a lot on you, and you can't even give me something homemade, just anything at all, it makes me feel worthless).

Each year gets worse than the year before, and last year was absolutely terrible, so I'm terrified about all the bad shit that will happen this year.

Let me now rant about last year. I don't really have anyone to rant to about it, and I need to get it out so that I can start tomorrow on a clearer mind...

Just a heads up, it's pretty long and kinda detailed and very blunt and does swear, don't read any more if any of that offends you - I'm in such a bad mood typing this and I just wish I was happy, which makes me even more stressed and upset. I just can't deal with it all at the moment!!

Just a heads up, it's pretty long and kinda detailed and very blunt and does swear, don't read any more typin any of that offends you - I'm in such a bad moodypinn typing this and I just wish I was happy, which makes me even more stressed and upset. I just can't deal with it all at the moment!!

I'll start off with the good points - my best friend and my boss got me some presents which was really nice of them, as they didn't have to. And when my parents finally got me something, they were great presents.

Now... Onto the other stuff (well what I can remember of it, there was a lot...)

I'll start off by saying that it was my 21st last year, so a pretty big celebration (well it's supposed to be anyway...)

It wasn't until 5 days before my birthday that my parents got me the main part of my present. They'd got a couple of small bits, but nothing else until then. At some point after then, the rest of my family (the family that got me anything) brought my presents, as my mum and I were discussing things, and suddenly my family had got them for me. So I know they didn't buy me things until just before my birthday, while I'm also aware that months in advance they had brought stuff for my brother.

Also my dad didn't take my birthday off of work, so he only got a half day off, but had taken my brother's birthday off months before. My family came over in the evening, but my uncle couldn't come and my aunt came for like 10 minutes in the evening. 

My friends didn't message me until late, and when they did message me, there was nothing special about the message - not like the ones I send them with loads of love and thought. However my best friend did message and honestly he made my day with it... I was supposed to meet up with my other friends for it, and we had (I had) loads of plans, but a year later we still haven't done anything!

Now we're on to my ex, and how he fucked it all up for me and broke my heart multiple times.. how he didn't even give half a shit about me. For 2 years he's not given me a present (birthday,Christmas, anniversary, anything) because he hasn't had any money (the only money he's had was given to him from me, and even then he spent it on himself and unimportant things instead of getting me anything - he couldn't even make a card!). Also every year we treat the other one to dinner the day before our birthday - that's the way it has been. Last year he asked me if I'd prefer a present or dinner as he couldn't afford both, and whatever I didn't get, he would give to me when he'd got paid, about a week after my birthday. I used to love the birthday dinner tradition,so I asked if I could have a small present (like £5 or less) so that I could feel special opening something from him on my and not like a year or two late like usual, so I can still have dinner as well. He said yes, that was fine. But then he decided to treat himself to a new phone that he didn't need, a new Xbox controller that he didn't need, and about another £300 of stuff he doesn't need at all. So when it came to a week before my birthday, he asked me to borrow £20 as he wanted to buy a game that was released and had money put aside for the rest of the month but didn't have enough for the game as well. So I lent him the money. On the day we went out for dinner, he informed me that I would have to pay for it because he had spent all his money. So I got a cheap present and no fucking dinner, and honestly I would haven't got a fucking thing if I hadn't made sure that he got me a little something! Bearing in mind that 3 months before his birthday I earned a total of £40, and cleared out my savings to buy him a present and dinner!!

On the morning of my birthday,he was telliyng and screaming at me for hours, even when I was bawling my eyes out saying that I wanted to cancel my birthday and that I didn't want it anymore. Even when he knew his mum, sister and both of their partners could hear everything. He was telling me that I was a fuck up and that everything bad in my life, his life and our relationship was my fault, and being really horrible. I honestly wanted to die so badly right in that moment. He made us late to meety family, and didn't say happy birthday to me at all, or join in when my family were singing happy birthday to me. When we got to mine after going out for lunch, he fell asleep. Not by accident, he planned on going to sleep. Honestly made me feel so worthless, especially after earlier that day. While he was asleep, my dad put the Minion movie on the TV, as it makes me feel better when I'm down. Over half way through that my ex woke up and moaned that he didn't want to watch it, even though he was sleeping so wasn't watching it anyway? Je told me that I was childish for watching it and liking it and stuff like that. Then he fell straight back to sleep, and after that I put on Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs, and half way through that he woke up and had a go at me that I didn't wake him up so he could watch it?!! Like really?! This whole time, my family that live with me are on their phones, ignoring me. So I feel more alone and isolated. Then more of my family came over and it was a little better, although my ex was pissed off the whole time. 

Another part of the tradition is that my ex stays over my house the night, however he decided to go home at about 7pm ish because the fucking Destiny game had its first raid thing that day, and the game is way more important than your fucking girlfriend, especially after you've made her feel like shit the entirety of her fucking birthday clearly!!! And he didn't even have the audacity to tell me he wanted to go home to play the game - he bullshitted that it was to do with his mum needing his help, and then accidentally dropped himself in it the next day. I knew it already and cried myself to sleep that night because of how he'd been and everything else that had happened that day. And the only reason I didn't break up with him that day was because I didn't want to have to deal with my family asking questions,but honestly I wish I had done, I would have felt so much better!

So yeah that was a fucking shitty year!!!

This year has been okayish so far. My friends and I have made plans this year for presents and for going out, but who knows if we will, because of what happened last year. But I did go out and meet up with my work friends, and they all got me presents, and I had a great time with them..honestly I think they care about me more than anyone else does...

I love to have a bath the day before my birthday, I do it every year. But I don't think that will happen... I had to go shopping with my family, but my dad was home over 2 hours late, and now we're stuck at my grandparents because my brother needs to sort stuff for uni and the thing isn't working properly so we've been here like an hour, it's 8pm and we haven't even gone shopping and so I won't be in the bath until at least 10/11pm and that's too fucking late, and all my fucking plans are ruined, and this is where I am typing this message from.

(***Edit - as I am posting this, I have done what I needed to and for dropped home, it is now 9:30pm and I am about to have my bath!!***)

I'm single this year, the first time I have been single on my birthday in 7 years... I don't know if this is a good thing or not, but at least I'm not with someone else who can ruin my birthday... 

Let's see how this year goes!! Wish me luck 😔

Sorry for being a downer

Stay Strong!!

Have a lovely day!

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