Depression & Love: Being In Love With Someone You Will Never Be With - My Open Letter

Love sucks.

I mean it's a beautiful thing, but it does break your heart and fuck you up a little.

Especially if you fall in love with the wrong person - whether the wrong person be someone who is bad for you, or someone that you can never be with.

I am in love with my best friend.

And I have no idea what to do.

So I am writing an open letter to you.

You will never read it I'm sure, but I need to talk about how amazing you are and how much you mean to me. Because I love you and I wish I could tell you that!

This is my open letter:

It's been over a year since I realised, and I am still so in love with you.

I realised that I loved you at the start of August last year, by late August I thought I might be in love with you, and on my birthday, I knew for a fact that I was deeply in love with you. When it got to the start of October, something happened and I saw your reaction to it, and honestly that is when I realised that there is no getting over you. That is when I realised that you were the one - the only one I ever want, my "soulmate".

I have spent months fighting these feelings - by months then I mean as soon as I realised that I had the feelings. Maybe if I realised that I had the feelings as soon as I actually developed them, maybe I could have gotten over you. But now it is virtually impossible.

I really wish that there would be a chance for us - that we could be together. But you have a long-term girlfriend. Or at least you did, I have a feeling that the two of you have broken up, and I know you're sad and I wish you weren't, but I know that if you haven't broken up - if you ever do break up you will need time to get over her, so it will be a long time before we could ever be together anyway (and I'm not complaining, I would wait forever for you). But mainly I know that we will never be together because you will never see me that way. You are perfect and amazing, and me - I'm fat, ugly, a huge fucking mess and a waste of space. I am nothing like your girlfriend or the kind of girl that you find attractive, so you won't ever be attracted to me. Plus I am not good enough for you at all - you know loads of shit and the ways that I am fucked up, and you are still friends with me, but I know that it is likely to have ruined any chance with you (I mean you don't judge me for it, but you would be correct to run a mile from me and to never be with me).

And honestly I'd much prefer to be your friend than to lose you from my life.

So I don't want to tell you that I love you because I don't want to risk losing you. Because if I tell you, you have every right to tell your girlfriend, and she has every right to tell you that you can never speak to me again. And I don't want that. And if you're not together then I don't want to make it awkward or put you off of talking to me.

You have been there for me through everything in the last year. You've been there for the death of someone close to me, my ex treating me like shit, me losing everyone around me, my breakup and my terrible thoughts, and the anniversary of one of the toughest times of my life.

You helped me get rid of my self harming stuff, and you have talked me out of suicide so many times - most of the time you haven't even realised that I was seriously contemplating suicide, but you have still been able to talk me out of giving up.

You are my rock - you are my saviour. You are the reason that I am still here. I would be long gone if it wasn't for you.

You have helped me through so much.

You've listened to me complain about so much. You have sat with me as I've poured my heart out about the shit I have been through and the mess that is in my head, and you have never judged me or hated me or told me to fuck off, and you have never abandoned me, especially not when I have most needed you.

You are perfect and absolutely amazing.

You are so attractive, and I just want to look at your face forever. And honestly the fact that you don't think you're that good looking makes you even more attractive. Because I think you are the best looking person I have ever met. And you're more attractive than any celebrities I have ever thought were attractive - I mean you're more attractive than all of them combined, in my eyes.

Your face is amazing and your body (well what I have seen of it) is incredible and perfect - the best combination of everything. You are so in shape, even if you don't see it.

And you looks aren't the only reason that I love you. I mean they're what made me notice you. The first day I ever met you I remember my anxiety was so bad that I forgot most of the moment of meeting you - all I do remember is seeing your face and thinking that you were the most attractive person that I'd ever seen, and your face and that realisation is all that calmed my anxiety down. Then we started talking after that point, and I got to know you. Now your looks are the least important thing about you in my opinion - I mean your looks are still amazing and take my breath away but everything else about you is so much more important to me.

You are so kind and approachable, there is absolutely no awkwardness when we are talking (which is crazy as I am such an awkward person). You are so caring, and honestly no one cares about me as much as you do. You are honest, understanding, non-judgmental and just so damn perfect! I mean yeah you have "imperfections", but we all do, and honestly your imperfections make you even more perfect to me - it makes you even more appealing and shows me that you understand me even more, and that you know what I am going through when certain things happen or I feel really low about myself, even if you've never been through it. To me, your imperfections aren't even imperfections, they are what makes you even more perfect to me... even more perfect For me.

You treat me so nicely - nicer than anyone else does. You are always there for me, you make me feel better, you have never yelled at me or treated me like shit and I know you never will. I trust you with everything I have, and that's a lot for me, as I never fully trust anyone. You believe in me and help me to believe in myself, and you make me feel so much better.

I am so in love with you.

But I can never tell you as I know you will never see me the same way.

I'm sure that you would hate me if I told you.

I'm not good enough for you, and I won't make you as happy as you deserve to be.

But I can't stop loving you.

Thank you for reading my open letter. Sometimes I just need to be honest and to get things out of my head and off of my chest.

Here's some photo quotes that have helped me through the tough times of being in love with him, and have helped me through how much I love him:

This is also a diary entry about him from a few months ago (one of the many about him):

Stay Strong!!

Have a great day

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