Little Do You Know

I saved this photo to my phone a year ago today.

It's funny how you can be reminded of situations from nowhere.

****Potential Trigger Warning****

When I saw this photo a year ago, I was dating my ex. We had been together a while, and it just reminded me of how I felt. He wasn't very nice and would yell at me and be horrible to me and even to this day I don't know why. I always blamed myself (still kinda do), but really if you honestly loved someone, you wouldn't treat them like that. Therefore isn't it an issue to do with him and not me?

I was always up most of the night, thinking about how he was treating me and working out what I had done wrong this time to make him hate me. I would either be crying myself to sleep (or all the way through the night if I didn't sleep, which was so often the case), or lying there numb and feeling my heart breaking and feeling myself slipping further into the pit of self loathing. It killed me that I wasn't good enough, and I would spend all my days bending over backwards (I will admit, sometimes literally as well) just to make him happy, even though it destroyed me more to do so. The more I destroyed myself; the happier he was. It took me so long to realise this, I didn't properly realise it until after we'd broken up. But destroying me was never enough. He had to push harder and do more. Anything I did was never enough. I could never do enough or even BE enough for him. If I put myself first, he would treat me as though I had just murdered his whole family or something!! I was never a priority to him at all (unless he thought it would help him to get lucky or to get something else out of me), but he had to be top priority to me - even if I was so sick I kept passing out, I had to go and see him or he'd start saying about how I don't love him and how I'm not actually sick I'm actually just cheating on him. I could never do anything right.

With a bit of space and on a good day, I know that how he treated me was wrong. But at the time I would think of all the ways that I had fucked up; wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. Why couldn't I just be perfect. Why did I have to ruin absolutely everything!!! I still want to know what I did so wrong for him to treat me like this. And how he could scream at me and tell me to "fuck off" and to "stop fucking talking" and tell me that I'd ruined everything and that it was all my fault (sometimes to scream so much that I had a full on panic attack and was crying) and then turn over and go straight to sleep - Those nights were the worst, staying over at his and having to lie next to him in bed while he was fast asleep after treating me like that, just wishing that I wasn't me anymore, and just wondering how I could be better and what I'd done wrong this time.

The guy that I saved this about, well we broke up nearly 5 months ago.

But even to this I sometimes find myself awake wondering what went wrong and what I could have done differently and how I could have been better. Also what was so wrong with me that I would be treated like this, and also why I let him keep doing it.

I am over the guy and the relationship, but I always wonder what I did so wrong that it meant I had to be screamed and yelled at all the time. What was so wrong with me that my opinions don't matter and that whatever I do is wrong and disgusting. How I fucked up so badly that I became a terrible person.

And I wonder what I did so wrong that I stayed through all that - I let him and others treat me so badly that I wished I was dead or someone else. That is a huge problem with me, that it something I've done wrong, and I wonder why, and if it will ever change or if everyone will treat me this way and that I'll never escape it.

I also think back to other people in my life - other ex's and supposed "friends" who have treated me like shit or just dropped me like I have always meant nothing to then. And I lay awake at night wondering how I fucked that all up too.

Just a little thing that runs round my mind on a constant loop.

Post idea comes from my Instagram post today. Look for the photo at the start of this blog entry on instagram.com/sofckingmessy to see the post.

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