Mental Illness & Recovery - Therapy (1st Session)

Today is my first therapy session in over a year.

I am really not looking forward to it.

I have been in and out of therapy since I was about 14, when people realised I wasn't as okay as I pretended to be. But my history of therapy is a story for another day.

The last time I was there (well my last 2 appointments with them), my therapist was TERRIBLE!!

So now I'm scared about going back, in case it's the same this time. I will explain the story one day.

I have to leave to get to my appointment within half an hour of now, and I feel so sick and shaky and I'm so worried that I'm going to vomit. I don't know what to do and I can't function properly. This sentence is taking so long to type as I'm so messed up with stress that I can't do things properly. But I am keeping this in here as it shows the most real and honest side of me and what's going on in my life and in my head.

The rest of this story, and how it went, will be shared after my session, I just needed to get it out of my system how scared I am.

It is now the next day to when I started this entry. I was so drained and exhausted after the session that I just emotionally collapsed and couldn't find the energy to do anything, I was too exhausted to even sleep last night. I couldn't function properly. My brain was so fuzzy that I forgot to breathe at times. I was an exhausted wreck but without being emotional. I felt like someone had filled me with cement or something - just felt so heavy and exhausted, but so empty of anything that should have been inside of me. I kept panicking that I'd lost my heart or organs, but also too tired to care if they had actually gone. I'm aware that I ate dinner even though I wasn't hungry, and that I watched a movie with my mum, and that we spoke to my brother on the phone, but honestly I don't remember what I ate, most of what the movie was about or what my brother said at all. And I remember nothing else about the evening, except wishing that I could curl up into a ball and not wake up.

But that is just the impact that therapy has on me sometimes, especially if I haven't been in a while and if I haven't opened up to anyone in a while. It takes a lot out of you; opening up about all the darkness inside of you, and talking about your past and the things that have fucked you up and ruined your life and made you who you are, and given you mental illnesses.

I always feel drained when talking about my feelings and about bad stuff I have been through. The more stuff I talk about, or the worse the content I'm talking about, or the more in depth and detailed I get with it, the worse I feel.

Sometimes I get really numb (well more numb than usual), or completely empty and like I could float away. Sometimes I feel really heavy and like I am filled with stones or concrete and I can't move. Other times I am so filled with thoughts or memories that I can't breathe or function, and I can be lost in my head for hours at a time completely unaware of what is going on around me or even what the time is and how long has gone past. Sometimes I get so emotional (either sad or angry) that I just cry or shout or something. And at times I can't function unless I get a hug (that usually is when I talk to my best friend and I need a hug from him). I mean all of this stuff happens generally as well, it doesn't only happen when opening up - but it always happens when I open up, and is often worse then too.

But it has to be done.

You have to open up.

You can't go through it all alone.

You have to talk to people, so that you can get help and support.

You need to let people in so that you aren't going through everything by yourself.

So I went to therapy. As it was a first session, it was an introduction, so you have to talk about everything - that way they know what kind of help and support you need most. They can work out whatever medication you may need, what therapy styles you would benefit from the most, and what issues you will need to talk about.

It was really hard, but I needed to be honest. I had to talk about how I was feeling at the time, open up about my past with self harm and suicide, my family issues and bullying, the fact that I have no friends, how crappy my self care is (I was wearing a hat as I hadn't washed my hair in a week, that's how bad it was!), how my ex treated me, how bad my sleeping is currently, and a few of the other things that make life really shitty. Not everything, and not the worst of it, but enough that she knew what was going on and how low I am right at the moment. It felt kind of nice to get it out I guess, and she was a lot better than the last therapist I saw, but it was still so hard and I still had a lot of anxiety and stress. I spent most of the session picking at my finger nails and digging my nails into my hand as it was really difficult for me. But it will be worth it (I hope).

I now have to wait for another appointment with the doctors in the team - just to work out medication. I have been on so much different medication in the past, so they're going to work out what to try next, or even if medication will be the best for me. I also have to attend a coping skills course for my personality disorder stuff, which is 6 sessions, and once that is done, then I will have another normal session and see where I need to go from there.

I honestly hope this helps. I am losing strength and faith. I can't live like this anymore. Each day just gets harder and there is no end in sight. I don't know how much longer I can make it. I'm desperate now. I can't fight this losing battle, and I'm scared about what I will do if it gets any worse - what I could do if I lose control.

Sorry that this a bit messy, but honestly it's the least messy that I can make it, as my head is so damn messy that I can barely put my thoughts and sentences together.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better...

Stay Strong!!

Have a good day.

#newpost #blog #blogger #fuckdepression #depression #depressed #anxiety #bpd #eupd #borderlinepersonality #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #emotionallyunstablepersonalitydisorder #fuckedup #sad #mentalillness #mentalhealth #triggerwarning #tw #rant #ugh #feelings #emotion #fuck #therapy #recovery #counselling #talking #open #talkaboutmentalillness #recoveryattempt #depressionrecovery #mentalhealthrecovery #mentalillnessrecovery #relapse #movingon #help #gettinghelp #helpme #suicide #selfharm #emotions #feelings #emotional #done #givingup #giveup #givenup #personal #bestfriend #dontknowhowmuchicantake #hard #fight #fighter #low #antidepressant #medication #meds #toodepressedtofunction #firstsession #sessionone #fuck #broken #heartbroken #dealing #everythingsucks #messy #sofuckingmessy