30 Day Blogger Challenge - Day 6
- sofckingmessy
- Oct 8, 2018
- 3 min read
Day 6: My First Relationship & First Kiss
- I was quite late to the dating game to be honest. I was the only person that I know who had never had a boyfriend or a first kiss, and honestly thinking back on it now, it's really sad. But it also sums up my life and nothing much has changed since then. No guy was interested in me then and no one is at all interested in me now. And I should have taken the fact that he showed interest in me as a bad sign - especially as I knew that he was only dating me because he wanted to make someone (a lot of someones actually) jealous, and I was the only person he could get at the time. I was 15 at the time (he was 6 months or so younger, so was 14 when we started dating. He was also my first kiss.
- I won't talk about the relationship a lot now. That will be done in another entry, as there's a lot of stories that need to be put together, and I don't really have the strength to do that now.
- So... we were together for a little while. I think we were together for 5 months followed by being broken up for a month and then getting together again for a couple of weeks, but I could be slightly wrong. That was quite a while ago, so I don't really remember, but I wish I hadn't got back together with him. We discussed getting back together because he said he was feeling lonely and I asked him out again because it was his birthday and I felt bad for him - which was a fucking dumb idea, and I know now that he only wanted me to get back with him because I had refused to have sex with him until his birthday at the earliest, and I know he only wanted sex. Which is crazy weird as he was having sex with so many people while we were together. I think I worked out that it was a total of 12 people who he was regularly having sex with while we were together. It could have been more than that, and I'm sure he had a few one-off sex partners as well that I don't know about. From this whole situation - from him being with me to make people jealous, and from him showing any interest in me in general should have been a red flag for me; should have been a red flag for me in every relationship as they've all been that way. No one who is ever romantically or sexually interested in me (an whole 4 people in my entire life) has ever been any good in any way - they've all been cheaters and have all treated me like I was a piece of shit and have used me for whatever they want. And none of them have asked me out - NO ONE has asked me out ever. Which kinda breaks my heart, it's always been an "are we together?""I guess so" kind of situation. They have never really wanted to be with me. They just never wanted to be alone, and I was the only person they could use for whatever they wanted to . They wouldn't have been with me if it wasn't for that at all.
- My first kiss was terrible. To be honest I don't think I have ever had a decent kiss in my life, but that may just be because I was kissing all the wrong people? Who knows. But anyway it was really forced and I was kinda pressured into it. His breath smelled a bit and he just smushed his face onto mine. There was no magic like I was always told there was. No butterflies in my stomach or a loss of breath or anything at all. And all I was thinking was "is that it? Is that how this is supposed to feel?".
Anyway that's it for this entry. I hope you did/do have a better experience with your first kiss and first relationship. To be honest, I hope you have a better experience with all of your relationships.
Stay Strong!! Have a great day!
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