Dear Diary, ... (12/11-18/11)

It's been a while since I last posted (my last post was a week ago and was the last Dear Diary entry. But as you will be able to see from this post today, I have had a very busy and exceedingly terrible week, and honestly I didn't at all want to do anything except sleep and cry and... well I won't go into that, this entry covers it quite well.

Due to how bad my week has been, I am putting a TRIGGER WARNING on this dear diary entry, as it contains some triggering and potentially upsetting themes and words. Please do NOT copy me or take the terrible example I am setting here in some of my diary entries from the week. I can't say that I am doing any better than these entries, but I'm not doing any worse, which I guess is something. I feel like I should edit these entries, but they're honest and raw, which is what I want to come out of these entries and my blog - I will not sugarcoat anything because I want people to see what living with a mental illness really is like. But I truly am sorry guys, really I am.

Monday 12th:

Dear diary,

I was working today. I never work Monday's, so it was weird being in on a Monday. It's more productive than most Monday's are, but it was so quiet that my mind was constantly wandering. There was nothing to distract me: basically no customers so no tidying or cleaning or serving. So I spent most of the shift thinking about where my life went wrong and what I have done to deserve all this shit. It was also spent fucking myself up by thinking of all the good things I would love to have in my life (a stable relationship, especially with him. Love, happiness, a good financial state, being in shape, having my own place... just so much other things that I really wish that I had in my life), and it breaks my heart as I'm sure that I will never have any of it and I wish I could have it all!!

Tuesday 13th:

Dear Diary,

today has been another super busy day. I had so much to do. I went around London, where there's always loads of people all around, and I had to be around people all day and it really fucked with my anxiety. I left my house at just after 7am as I had to go to the doctors before heading to London, and I didn't get back until like 8:30pm! It has been a relatively nice other than the anxiety and exhaustion. I got a couple of Christmas bits while out, which helped! But I did also binge eat like fuckkkk while out and I feel so shitty about myself. Especially as Tuesday is usually the day that I go to the gym and I didn't, but I took over 15000 steps so far (I can't remember exactly how many it is as my fitbit is charging right now because it was running low on battery so I put them on charge when I got in), so that would have burned off a lot of calories so I am excited about that!!

So although the trip to London was good, the day itself wasn't all that great, and I was quite upset for most of it. I replied to the message I my best friend sent me this morning, my reply was sent at 7, and he read the message within an hour of me sending it and didn't reply, and then was online multiple times throughout the day (I wasn't checking up on him, I was messaging other people and it let me know that he was online or had just been online), and when he did reply a few hours later, it took him ages to even open my response to him even though he was online so clearly messaging other people, and it just made me really sad, and made me feel worthless. It made me think of when we started talking, and even how we were just under a year ago, when we would talk 24/7, even when we were busy doing things, and would sometimes stay up until like 3am just talking about anything and everything, and the conversations were great and would flow so easily and we wouldn't go more than about 8 hours without talking. And I am not being clingy, he doesn't have to message me all the time, but when I see him being online and not talking to me, it makes me feel worthless and like he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, and that I am so shitty at talking that I am no longer worth talking to. And honestly I don't blame him for not wanting to talk to me and for talking to better people than me, but I also really miss how we were and I just wish we could be more like that again, because then being in love with him might be a little easier?

Wednesday 14th:

I DID IT!! Finally, I've felt I was in the right headspace to get it done. I want to recover and to keep fighting, and I'm serious about it this time. I got my semi colon tattoo. It's tucked away nowhere that anyone can see unless I show them it deliberately, so it's my little secret, and my motivation. The semi colon marks where the author could have finished a sentence but didn't; you are the author of your own story, and you can decide to end your life or you can continue your story. I need this to encourage me to keep on going and to stay strong. It reminds me that I can keep going. I have never been in the right headspace until now. I'm not better, but I'm determined this time. I'm in a really dark place now and I'm hoping that it will be my shining light in the darkness - that it will guide me out of this black hole and will be a permanent reminder that my sentence isn't over yet. I got it done in my clevage because that way its close to my heart, and it's also hidden away somewhere that basically no one will see it, that way it's a lot more personal to me and no one will ask me about it either.

This is my new tattoo!!:

It's a little blurry as I had to zoom in really close on the photo as I don't want it to be seen where the location of the tattoo is really. Also it is very red at the moment, as my skin does often get quite red just after a tattoo is done, plus it is done on bone so is more a more irritable area of skin than elsewhere.

The tattoo didn't hurt at all, however it was a little uncomfortable and made my lungs feel fuzzy when trying to breathe, but that was easy to deal with (it really tickled aha).

It's already made me feel better and my relapse urges have gone away!

Thursday 15th:

Having permanently bad days is terrible. It truly sucks. But you know what sucks more?! When everything is a little easier, when it's a very dark grey instead of pitch black. When you are under the water, but you can see the surface and you are no longer lost: but then something happens that fucks you up and sends you spiraling into a pit that is so much deeper and darker than you were in before. Where there is no light, no hope, no anything good. When you realise that although you were at rock bottom before, that the ground can still shatter and cave away below you, making the rock bottom a lot further away from safety and happiness and recovery. When you go from a feeling of hope due to not feeling as bad as usual to becoming so much worse than you ever imagined.

Well that was my day yesterday.

I know I am writing this under Thursday's entry, but it is actually like 6am on Friday that I am writing it. I couldn't do it yesterday. I didn't have the ability to cope with it. I mean I wrote some stuff in a rant that I sent to my best friend, who helped me through the day and is the only reason that I am still here today, and I will include some of that for you all when discussing what happened, so you can see the emotions and how shitty I was feeling. But I couldn't make myself sit down and actually write something out for my diary entry, because honestly I was so fucked up and out of it, but also because I didn't plan on making it through the day so felt there was no point in it being written if it was never going to be posted. So seeing as I am still here today, I am writing all this now for you.

So here's what happened:

On Wednesday night I got a message from my ex. I say Wednesday night, it was at about 2am on Thursday morning, while he was very drunk. Bearing in mind he'd given up drinking because he hit me and kept trying to beat me up the last time he got drunk before giving up drinking about 4 years ago, within the last year he decided to start drinking (maybe before but if it was before that, he never told me about it), and every time I hear that he's had a drink it completely fucked with my anxiety because I always think he's going to beat me up, or worse. And this time, while we're broken up, was no different, in fact, it made me feel so much more anxious and on edge, even though his words seemed nice. But yeah he sent me a message telling me that he's ready for us to be friends now as he thinks we would be really good friends etc (there was a lot of rambling about it). And he was "heart eye reacting" to photos and videos I sent him when we were together (like selfies of us together etc), and most of them were sent like 2-3 years ago!! I didn't reply to him straight away as I didn't know whether I should reply (and if so, what I should say), or whether I should just block him or what. I saw my best friend in the day, and he could tell just by looking at me that I was feeling really off, no matter how hard I tried to hide it and how close to tears I was. I ended up opening up to him about it as he was really concerned about me, and I was also concerned about myself and what I could do if I didn't deal with this responsibly (by talking about it). So yeah I opened up to him about what went on and he offered to respond to him on my behalf, which actually helped so much and made me feel really relieved. So he replied and basically said "what do you mean you're ready? What about me? I want nothing from you; not friendship, not anything". I got a really guilt-trippy message from him in response, which was to make me feel guilty (and actually worked for some stupid fucking reason, even though I don't care about him anymore, but I think it was more because I felt bad because I put up with that shit in the past and used to let him make me feel really bad). I wasn't going to respond to him, as I felt so sad and fucked up all day and spent the rest of the day on the verge of tears, which was really bad as I had to work in the afternoon. At the end of my shift, I spent like 15 minutes crying in the stockroom of where I work, so I wrote out a message to my ex, saying a lot of stuff about why we can't be friends and the fact that I can't trust him and that he's toxic for me and I don't want any toxic people in my life anymore, and then I waited until I saw he had read the message and started to reply, and then I blocked him so he can never reply to my message and can't argue back with me - that way I have won and I had the last word in the argument, which is something I have never had before with him.

(this bit is compiled from rants I sent/typed out, with added feelings that I feel now):... It really fucked me up for some reason. It's a part of my life I don't remember, and part of my life that I want to stay in the past, but it came back into my life and I don't want him in my life again. He fucked me up too much in the past for me to ever be able to be friends with him, and I will never be able to trust him or be around him ever again. Any time I have seen him since we broke up, I have been so prepared for him to yell at me and be horrible to him, and it's not good for someone to have a toxic person around them, and that's what he was to me - a toxic person. And I just don't know why he decided to message me. What the fuck does he want from me?! And why now!! Has his girlfriend (the girl he cheated on me with and got together with within a week of us breaking up) broken up with him or something and he wants me to pick up the pieces after fucking her while we were together. Does he think he can walk all over me again. Does he want to be able to come back in the shop I work in or something so he can buy stuff, or to be able to use my work discount there to get cheaper stuff. Like seriously, what does he actually want?! Ugh why can't the past just stay in the past!! I wish I had just fucking blocked him when we broke up so I wouldn't have to deal with this - so I wouldn't have to deal with his bullshit ever again. I'm so fucking done with him and how he's treated me in the past. I think the thing that fucked me up the most is everything that came alongside the message - the fact that I was feeling better than I had in a while made the whole crash/comedown a lot more noticeable and a lot harder to deal with. When the message came through, it just brought back so many memories and things that I didn't want to ever have to remember, stuff I wish I could forget. But I automatically got lost in thoughts and memories of him yelling at me and how much he scared at me some times because I thought he was going to kill me due to how mad he was at me. And the whole day I just had the voice of him yelling at me in my head and pictures of shitty situations I let myself get into because I was scared to leave him and to be on my own, and also because I was scared of what he might do if I did try to break up with him. So yeah, it really messed with me and my head because my mind put me back in that really bad and dark place I was in and it wouldn't give me a break. Messaging him myself really helped because I got to say some of the things I have always wanted to say to him but never been able to, and then in blocking him before he had the chance to reply made me feel kinda powerful because I had some control and I know he can't argue back, and it helped me clear my head a little.

I'm still really fucked up about it, but more by the fact that I let him treat me so shittly and get away with it in the first place, and also that I let him get to me this time around. So yeah, I know (as I have known for a long time) that I am completely over him as a person and I am over our relationship, but I am not over the way he treated me and the fucked up things I let myself go through and the way I let him act around me and speak to me, but I think that maybe I can start to deal with that and get over it. I will be in a very dark place for a while but I need to confront these thoughts and emotions head-on instead of blocking it out and pretending that it all didn't happen.

So yeah that is how my day went yesterday. I had to cancel my gym session because I just wanted to go home and cry and eat some cereal, which is exactly what I did. I still feel so shitty today, but I hope the rest of the day goes okay...

Friday 16th:

Dear diary 

I thought that nothing could get worse after yesterday; that I couldn't feel worse than yesterday.

But I was wrong.

Very fucking wrong.

I genuinely seriously want to end it all right now, so honestly this may never get shared ever. I am so bad and there is literally no fucking point in living. I am such a fucking cunty waste of space piece of shit and an embarrassment and a total fucking idiot and genuinely everyone would be better off without me. No one loves me and no one wants me around, and I don't want to be here either. I never want to, to be honest, but this is so much worse. This is the super dark pit, and I am sure that I will self harm or worse later. I can feel the urge to stop it all, to get rid of this pain and to end it all rising up in me. I don't think I can fight it, and the only reason I haven't done anything yet is because I have nothing on me that I can use. Having said that, I have some pills, and I am so ready to take them but I also don't want to do it at work where I can be found and where the people I care about will have to fix me and will find out how fucked up I am. But I can't promise that I won't take them, and writing this is what I'm doing to stop me taking them right now. But seriously I don't expect this to ever be shared as I probably won't make it until the end of the day. So if this does get read, it'll probably be by people I know. 

So I guess this is a goodbye really, potentially. I can't write much of a goodbye because I am much too emotional and can't find the words.

But yeah, if you do find this, I am so sorry. I'm sorry that I was a shitty daughter, a shitty sister, a shitty friend, a shitty employee, a shitty potential partner, a shitty fucking human being and just sorry for being a huge waste of space. I am so sorry that you had to put up with me for so long. I'm sorry for ruining your lives. I'm sorry I was never good enough..

Mum & Dad: you were amazing parents and I love you. Little brother: I love you so much, thank you for everything. To my kittymouse: You are my whole entire world and I love you more than you ever know, you keep me fighting each day and I love your smuggles so much... I will wait for you on the other side when it is your time, to give you so many hugs, because I haven't even gone anywhere and I already miss you so much! To the rest of my family: I love you all, you're all amazing! To my work colleagues: thank you for being amazing, you make days a little brighter, and you're a lot more to me than just work colleagues - you're really good friends to me and I am so glad to have met you, and I have so much love for you all!! To my friends: thank you for being you and for sticking by me, even if we didn't talk a lot - and there are 3 of you that I count as friends and you should know who you are, N&S&C, not including my work colleagues.. you are the only people who were there for me. To my personal trainer: thank you for all your help and support, you are more than just a personal trainer, you are my friend!

And lastly, A. I am most sorry to you. I am sorry for all of the bullshit that I put you through, and for unloading all of my issues onto you. I'm sorry for everything I put you through. I'm sorry you had to put up with me. I'm sorry for loving you, I am so sorry for being in love with you. I didn't mean to,but you are amazing and no matter how hard I fought it, I am just so in love with you and there is nothing i can do to change it. I'm sorry for being such a weakass and never telling you. I know nothing would have ever happened with us, but I still wish I could have told you. There's so many more words I could say to you, but I've said them all before and I can't make it last any longer. But just check out my blog and there's stuff about my feelings for you on there! I love you! Thank you for helping me get this far!

And to anyone who reads these, if it gets posted, you are not alone! Love sofckingmessy

Saturday 17th:

Dear diary..

So it's about 5 minutes in to the day as I'm starting to write this entry, and I made it. I wish I didn't, but I did. I ended up writing so long and getting so emotional that by the time I had finished and felt able to move, my dad had finished work and I had to leave straight away to meet him, and I've been so busy doing stuff (including binge eating like a fucking fat waste of space pig!!) that I had no time to do anything until just now. And I couldn't fight the urges anymore. I found a broken hair clip to slice my leg as much as I could and now it is throbbing. And then I took a few painkillers, because if they can remove physical pain, then maybe they can remove all the emotional hurt! Straight after doing that, I put cream on my new tattoo (the semi colon), and I laughed to myself with full irony and no amusement because I thought I was ready for the tattoo and to be clean and away from the thoughts and urges of suicide, and definitely to be away from acting on the suicidal stuff, but there I was looking at my tattoo seconds after cutting Again and trying to end it all!!.

Sorry my wording is funny but there's a huge wave of exhaustion and achey headedness washing over me so I think maybe these tablets may be doing something!!!! Yesss!!!!

I just want to finish by saying that I love you all, thank you for being a part of my life! And to you A, I'm sure you'll know it's you when reading this, and if you don't then there will be people around you who will tell you it's you. I love you so much, I am in love with you and you are most definitely my "the one"! I wish I could tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me, especially as I may never talk to you again, I have so many strong urges to message you now and say it, but I know that is a terrible fucking idea. But please remember that I love you and that I always will!!

I gotta go now, this exhaustion and dizziness are washing over me and I don't want to lose to fighting it. If I fight it too long, it may not work and I may fail again! I don't want to fail again.... 

goodnight!!

(7:04am)

Soooo, I made it. I unfortunately didn't die in the night. I knew I wouldn't - I'm a failure at absolutely everything I do or try to do, so why would ending it all be any different? Plus no one wants me, not even death, so why even try when I know it'll never happen!! Having said that, I'm pretty sure I'll try again. I really don't want to be alive!!

Ugh, I'm so not looking forward to today. I have to go out in like half an hour, and I have to work and go to the gym. I mean how do I be around people after trying to kill myself (and failing once again) and know how to act or what to say. I mean I'm sure they won't know what happened just by looking at me (I'm sure my best friend would, so I'm glad I won't be seeing him today, even though I really need him right now, but I know seeing him will make it all worse at the moment...), but what if they do know? and even if they don't, I just don't know how to act, or what to say when people ask me how I am and how my evening was - it's hard normally when I have to lie about feeling like shit and pretend that I'm okay, but it's even harder today because I am so disappointed. I took all those fucking pills and my pain wasn't taken away. I still hurt mentally and emotionally to the point where I feel like I'm dying. And my head is fucking killing me too. I feel so sick and dizzy, and honestly I don't know how much of this feeling is physical and how much is caused by my feelings and emotions! But uhh I keep nearly vomiting and I know I gotta keep it down because the tablets still could work, but they won't if I vomit them up...

Anyway I gotta be getting ready now. Wish me luck for my day.

Also wish me luck for my next attempt too! Whenever that may be...

Sunday 18th:

Dear diary,

I just want to be at home. I want to go home and stay there and never leave my house again. I don't want to see anyone at all - not anyone at all ever. But I have to go out and work and I know it's only a short shift but I really want to stay curled up in bed. I don't have the energy to do any of it at all. So this entry is pointless and dumb and short but oh well, I don't really care anyway.

Stay Strong!!

Have a great day!

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