Dear Diary, ... (19/11-25/11)

This is a slightly more positive Dear Diary entry this week. Not by a lot, and it is still triggering, so be careful while reading it.

I honestly still have no energy, which you will see from these entries, so I am just about finding the motivation and strength to write daily diary entries, I can't find it in me to write anything else, not even the blog challenge posts. I will start them again, I promise, but right now it is much too hard to do any of that. I really am sorry.

Monday 19th:

Dear diary,

Finally I have a day off - a day where I can do nothing much and I don't need to leave the house!! I'm not really enjoying it though, my mind is running wild really as I have no distractions, but I am so glad to not be leaving the house and dealing with people!! I am trying not to dwell on how shitty everything has been lately and that it has all been so much worse than usual, and I am trying not to binge too much to make myself feel better. I am trying to not let my mind fuck me about so much, so this entry is going to be as up-beat as I can make it (I don't think I'm really succeeding with that though, but oh well). So far I have spent the day watching an hour of TV, tidying, and most of my time has been spent listing things to sell on eBay, which is such a long and stressful process and I hate doing it, but I am so poor right now that I rely on the money I make from selling stuff to make it through the month. It truly sucks though, and I cannot wait until it's all been listed, and I cannot wait to make some more money off of it all as well!!

Anyway this will probably be it for today's entry as I have so much more eBay stuff to be getting on with, and I have nothing else really to talk about, well nothing that's going to help me in any way today, so I will speak to you tomorrow, unless something comes up later today.

Tuesday 20th:

Dear Diary,

I'm just so tired today. Tired in every sense. I genuinely don't have the energy today.

I have been to the gym though, so that's something. But I literally did a 3/3.5 hour session and I wish I had pushed myself harder and was there for longer. Especially as I am in this huge binge eating and comfort eating phase at the moment.

I feel so disgusting and so fucking fat and I cannot deal with how fucking vile I look at the moment. No wonder I'm always alone and no wonder why no one wants to be seen around me.

Ugh. I need to lose all this fucking weight and to stop eating completely.

Wednesday 21st:

Dear diary,

I had a busy day today. It was an okay day, felt better than I have in a long time but I know something is going to come along and fuck it up, and I'm not prepared for that at all.

I am exhausted now though. I went to visit y brother, who I haven't seen in a while, and it is such a long journey - like 4 hours each way. I had to get up at like 6ish this morning so I could make the first train (out of three I need to get each way). It was lovely being there though, I was exhausted and had like 4 coffees or something and I am still so shattered now, but the coffees just made me jittery and really drained instead of waking me up and giving me energy. We also went out for an early dinner (at like 2ish, so dinner at lunch time), and I had this really nice burger, which was lovely, but also I feel disgusting with myself because I ate like shit again, but at the time I didn't care because I was having a great day. Then we played some video games together and just zoned out of the rest of the world. It was so great and I wish I could do it again. I miss him already, but I am so glad to be on my way home now, I am so drained that my mum and I were laughing on the long train journey like we were drunk, and it was literally just exhaustion!! And it's basically 11:30 at night, so I've been out for most of the day!! But there's just the rest of this train journey (one more stop left!!) and the bus and then I can go to bed!!

My words are so bad today as I am exhausted so I will fix my spelling and typing mistakes in the morning for you, I'm just hoping that I know what most of these words mean hahah! I really, really need to nap right now!!

Anyway I gotta go now as my train is pulling up to the stop I get off at!

Thursday 22nd:

Dear diary,

today I just feel so low and I don't know why. Depression and this lack of sleep is really dragging me down. Even though I was exhausted last night, when I got into bed, I just could not sleep, so I spent the night staring at the ceiling wishing I could just close my eyes and fall asleep, and just never wake up again. But no sleep happened. Thar has made it night 3 or night 4 of no sleep in a row and it's honestly been killing me, and I don't know what to do!

Because of the lack of sleep for the last few nights, today has been so unproductive. I have literally spent it curled up on the sofa with my mum and my cat - sometimes with the TV on and sometimes with it off. But I have so far taken 2 naps, bearing in mind I literally never nap as I know I won't sleep that night if I do, but honestly I needed them. The were also unintentional as well, my brain and body just switched off and there was nothing I could do to stop it. But the longest of the two naps (the one I have just woken up from) was really short, at just under 10 minutes, which kinda sucks but it's better than nothing I guess. I feel so groggy though, like a zombie, and my limbs and eyes feel so heavy, but at least my head isn't pounding anymore (well not just yet, I only woke up from it about 20 minutes ago), it just feels dull and empty, like there's nothing in there, like it's a cave or something. I'm honestly surprised I can actually type anything and that this entry makes sense to be honest. Well being more honest, there is a good chance that this whole entry today makes no sense, but I am so drained.

I actually don't know what to say now, all the words have gone so I'ma have to finish this entry now because I can't make it last any longer.

Friday 23rd:

Like I thought, I didn't sleep again last night. I never do when I have a nap in the day. It's 7:26 in the morning and I know it's too late for me to fall asleep now, and I have to start getting up anyway so there's no point in even attempting to sleep anymore. But I did get a third nap in yesterday, I zoned out and dozed off within a minute of finishing the entry haha, and I felt a little better afterwards - it was a short nap still, it was literally about 18 minutes long at the most, but it's better than nothing at all. But I have to go out today so will have to start getting ready now so I can chill for a bit before leaving the house as my anxiety is high for some reason.

It's now the evening, and I had such a busy day. I wrapped up some parcels of things I have sold (pretty exciting when I am so poor!!) and took them to the post office. Then I met up with my mum at the place she volunteers at, and while waiting for her to finish, I chatted with the people there and brought myself tickets to see one of my favourite bands, the only one in my top list of bands that I still need to see. They played a show this year, however I was too poor to buy tickets then (I still am now, but I have a little bit of birthday money that I didn't spend so I am using that - the tickets were released today and there is no way that I am missing them play live again!!!), so I am going to see them next year - only just over a year to go!!! Then when my mum was finished and we had all tidied up, the two of us went out to the closest shopping center place, which is about 40 minutes away on the bus. We met some of my family there as a surprise , as they were going for a birthday meal and we decided to tag along and spend some time with them. After that my Mum and I did some Christmas shopping to get the last few bits we need for Christmas presents, and to grab a few more bits that aren't christmassy that we need (like mascara and shampoo as I am out of them both!). It was such a long day and it was so slow because it was pretty busy there (it's black Friday today so there's a lot more people out than there are usually, so it messed with my head and made my anxiety play up, however I just focused on how much better I will feel when I have brought all the stuff I need and got my Christmas shopping done, and that is what helped me through the day). Once we had finished shopping, we headed home and sorted out everything that we had brought and then finally got to chill out a bit. I got my dad to order me a couple of bits from Amazon as I don't have Prime (or money until next weekend) and got my aunt to order something for my mum, so that she doesn't see what I have got her. My dad also ordered my early Christmas present, which is a new Fitbit, as my old one is broken and this one is in the Black Friday sales so was really cheap (well it is cheap in comparison to what they normally cost) - I will get it before Christmas as I need one soon, and my brother got his main Christmas present early too, so that makes it a little easier. I am hoping that by having a new Fitbit will make me a lot more motivated and less likely to binge eat, so that I can actually lose all this weight finally!! I have just realised that this second part of today's entry may not make much sense, I am literally just rambling because my head is elsewhere (too busy thinking about everything else that I need to buy, which currently is only 3 sets of things so I son't know why I am stressing about that haha), but I just wanted to share my day because I am really proud of the fact that I went shopping even with my bad anxiety, and also that I am basically done with my Christmas shopping, and only didn't get it done today because one thing needs ordering online and I have to wait until I've got paid, and the other ones I couldn't get because the shops I need to go to aren't where I was today. I am also excited about the concert and the fact that I got tickets and I seriously cannot wait at all!!!

Anyway that's my day today.

So I thought I was done with my entry today. Well I hoped it was. It's nearly midnight and I can't sleep. After I finished the other entry, I found out some bad news. I didn't want to write about it then because if I wrote it down, it would make it more real and I don't want it to be real. But now I can't sleep as I can't stop thinking about it, and I know it is real so I need to write about it. I am so sad... I was told today that a family member close to me has cancer. It's a family member that has been there for me and has always supported me, even when other people were mad at me - one of the few people that didn't side with my brother on everything when we were growing up. I honestly love him with all of my heart and don't want to lose him. I mean I know we all go eventually, but I thought there would be loads of years left in him and that we would get to make loads more memories, and I am now thinking that I might not get that. I now cannot stop thinking about losing him. They have been able to get his cancer markers down so it's not really there anymore, but they can't get rid of it completely so it could come on stronger at any time and if it comes back, it will be harder to treat than it was before and I just can't lose him, I love him so much and I don't know if I can do this without him :( I can't write anymore, I am much too sad now and I don't know what else to say. Nothing I can say or do will get rid of the cancer and I wish I could do something to make it all go away and to make it so that he stays alive forever, but I can't do anything to make him better and I wish I could. I'm so sad :(

Saturday 24th:

Dear diary,

today hasn't been a great day.

I mean I got one step closer to having everything brought for Christmas as I picked a little something up for my colleagues today (which gets me down to 2 things left to get), but I don't feel accomplished at all, unlike I did yesterday in the day. Yesterday I started to feel excited for Christmas because I was much less stressed about everything that I had to get because I saw an end in sight with all of the shopping, but today I'm not looking forward to Christmas at all. I just keep thinking about my family member and just hoping that he makes it until Christmas, and that the cancer doesn't get worse before then. I have been at work too, and I cannot stop thinking about him and thinking about losing him either. I saw some of my family in the evening today, and I love him so much but it was really hard seeing him after hearing the news as I just wanted to cry and hug him and tell him that I love him and just embarrass myself like that, but I know that will make him feel terrible and it's not his fault at all and it was just really hard because I kept thinking about what I would do without him, and I really hope it's easier next time I see him because I want to enjoy the time I have left with him instead of stressing out and thinking about when he is no longer with us. Ughhhh

Sunday 25th:

I am honestly so tired today and I genuinely can't be bothered with anything at all. I wasn't even going to write today, I was just going to make a note in here tomorrow when it comes to posting that I couldn't be bothered to write, but I will write something. I really don't want to write so I genuinely don't know why I have decided to write, but I have. It will be really trashy but at least I am writing something I guess? I just wish that everything will get better. It's all so bad and so low, and the moment that things seem to look as though they might start to get better, something happens and makes it all bad again and I just can't deal with it. I don't have the strength to keep fighting - I don't have the energy to keep living this life. I don't want this life anymore. And that is making me feel so bad because I think of my family member with cancer and he wants to be alive but is struggling and has to go through treatments and medications just to stay holding on, and here I am wishing I was dead. I am fucking disgusted with myself!! I am so fucking selfish!! What the fuck is wrong with me?!?! And oh god, I have just thought - I tried to end it all last weekend - I gave up and overdosed in the hopes that I wouldn't ever wake up, and all the while he is struggling to stay alive, even though it's a huge struggle for him. I fucking hate myself, I know I didn't know back then, but it's honestly so hard right now and I am so selfish for what I did and for having these thoughts, and there are people who would give anything to be alive and here I am wishing the opposite. And as much as these thoughts should make me never think about suicide again, they're actually making my suicidal thoughts so much worse so I actually have to stop writing now so I can clear my head and get back on track and to stop these feelings now before I at on them again.

I just wish I was emotionally normal and that things would be okay :(

Stay Strong!!

Have a great day!

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