Dear Diary, ... (1-7/10)

So, this is the first of my weekly diary entry posts. I don't know if I will be able to keep it up, but I will try and do what I can, as I do need to get my feelings out of my head a little, so this is being done in the hopes that it will help me. I have written in a diary before (I got into writing in a diary after seeing Elena from The Vampire Diaries write in her diary all the time, so I got into writing - that is also why these posts are titled "dear diary" as that's what she always used to say.

So let's see how this goes. Enjoy!!

OCTOBER

Monday 1st:

Dear diary,

I meant to start this last week Monday but I had so much going on that I didn't feel able to start writing until now (I don't even feel that up to writing to be honest with you).

(an update from last week that I really need to share, he hugged me!!! I know that saying it makes me sound like a 13 year old but I really needed a hug and I got one, and I pulled away slightly thinking it was only a short hug that he wanted but he seemed really reluctant to let go and I wish I would have held on for longer because his hug gave me a moment of peace from my bad thoughts and from everything going on in my mind, and in that moment I was happier than I had been in a long time. It did also make my brain overthink once the hug was over, but it was worth it to feel that peace and happiness and to have him there.)

Today hasn't been so bad actually, but it's making me feel kind of down as well.

A few things have happened today but I can't really go into them as it may make people realise that it is me if they see this, so yeahhh...

But I've been having great conversations with my best friend all day, really nice and happy ones, but also an emotional (in a good way) chat, and it has made me feel so good! However it makes me feel kinda sad because now he's gone to bed so I'll have to wait until the morning to speak to him again, and I always miss him after our good conversations. Also the good conversations like that break my heart a little bit because they always give me a small glimmer of hope that he feels the same for me, but I know he doesn't. But they give me the ability to tell him some of the things that I wish I could tell him because he thinks I mean it as a friend. I wish I could tell him how I really feel, but telling him other things is almost as good and it does help.

I'm feeling low still, especially after yesterday and after writing my confession post today (https://sofckingmessy.wixsite.com/confessionsofdepress/home/30-day-blogging-challenge-day-29) but hopefully I will get there soon. I am sharing the link to that instead of discussing it with you as I feel really fragile about it and don't want to make myself feel worse...

I'm tired now, so this is the end of today's entry.

Tuesday 2nd:

Dear Diary,

Today started off kinda bad. Once again, I didn't get any sleep - we're at two nights in a row now... I had a really bad body image day today, hating everything about how I look more so than usual, and kept almost being sick when I caught my reflection. However I did have another amazing chat with my best friend again, and honestly he helped so much with my feelings - well I mean I still feel ugly but I also feel that maybe I could be not as ugly as I think I am maybe? I'm not sure, but I did feel better. So although today's conversation was a little different than the one we had yesterday, it had the same impact as yesterday; felt good but sad as I know nothing will ever happen between us, but there is no point in describing it any more than that because it hurts talking about it and that is kinda included in the above entry.

I went to the gym as well and the workout helped me feel a little less unmotivated and a little stronger, but I still feel like giving up quite badly.

I had a bit of a breakdown before going to bed because of how much I love him and the fact that I am so in love with him but will never be with him and just cried for ages because of how hard this whole situation is, and I could feel my heart breaking a little and I couldn't breathe properly and everything just hurt. Honestly I don't know how to deal with this all any more, and that scares me and makes me even more sad. I'm just hoping I will sleep tonight, and that I won't dream at all.

Goodnight...

Wednesday 3rd:

I didn't sleep again. I didn't really think I would, with what a state I was in when I went to bed, but I really just hoped to get a release from all my thoughts and feelings and all the mess that is in my head, but unfortunately I basically never get that. I think I just need a hug to take it all away for a little while, just until the hug is over. Ughhhhh...

I am feeling really low again today (I say that like I am ever not feeling low aha, but really I am feeling a lot more low than usual, which has been my mental state most of the time lately). I felt so bad that I almost gave up on my workout when I wasn't even half way in. My eyes kept filling with tears while I was on the equipment (and not due to the fact I was working out) and I kept comparing myself and what I was doing with everyone else around me, and honestly they were all doing and looking so much better than me, and it really killed me inside and made me know why no one wants me, and why he doesn't love me and why he never will. Generally while I am in the gym, my mind is clearer of outside distractions and I can focus on what I am doing (which is why I usually work out for insanely long amounts of time), and I can increase the speed or weight or intensity of what I am doing if I feel my mind wondering, but I couldn't do that today at all. I was on the verge of tears the entire time, and honestly the only reason I pushed through and was there for over 3.5 hours is because I truly hated myself and how weak I am, and I know I needed to push harder in order to not have a shitty body anymore - because at least if I get into shape, it is the one thing I can accomplish, and then I won't be the fat friend and guys (the guy in particular) may actually find me attractive and want to be with me!!

I am so anxious now. Tomorrow is my first group session thing with the therapists - it's a coping skills thing that will attempt to teach me how to deal with my personality disorder stuff, as I can never get rid of them, so hopefully I will learn how to deal with them in the future. But I don't really want to go, even though I want to learn how I can cope with this all, but I just feel so anxious and I don't know what to do, and this isn't the first session so everyone else will know each other and I won't know anyone and I am so fucking stressed that I just want to scream and run away so I don't have to face it tomorrow, but I know I can't do that because the one thing I really want to escape is the one thing I can never get away from; myself and my thoughts. Ughhhhhhhh!!! Please someone send help, I am so scared :(

Uh I guess I should call it a night now, while I try to deal with these thoughts and stuff. I know I won't sleep tonight, I am too stressed and on edge and everything and it just won't happen.

Thursday 4th:

Dear Diary,

My session was today. It went okay I guess, very anxious and I am still a little messed up about it, but it was probably a good thing that I went.

However I'm in an anxious head space anyway due to a guy and what he said last night . I had been kinda talking to this person as a friend, but nothing more than a friend and honestly I wasn't at all close to him, but he was clingy due to some issues he has and is so obsessed with messaging that even when I tell him that I won't be messaging him for a few days, he kept on and on messaging me. I didn't ever see him that way, and he's too young and clingy (and he's not the guy I love) so I wouldn't have ever seen him that way - and now he has made sure that I don't even want to be friends with him. Yesterday night he sent me a message saying that he had been into the place that I work and my colleagues were talking about me in front of him and his friends and being mean because they know about him and the fact that we talk and they were being mean to mess with both of us and that they shouldn't have done that and all this shit and he didn't believe that my colleagues don't know about him, when I know for a fact that no one knew I spoke to him, because he's not important in my life so why do I need to tell people? I don't need to talk to anyone about him at all. But he was convinced that they knew, however he also said that he didn't hear what they said (when I asked what was said) and that it was his friends that pointed out and all my colleagues were looking over at them and stuff. And he told me that he knows his friends weren't making it up, even though his friend has done something similar at least one time before, and was stressing me out and making me really anxious and he knows that I suffer from anxiety and he was fucking with my head and trying to make it seem that my work people hated me, and I messaged one of my colleagues asking what happened that day, and it took until this morning for them reply to me to tell me that, as I thought, nothing like that had happened at all. But I had such bad anxiety last night about what they could have been saying about me, and had a breakdown thinking that they were laughing about how much they hate me or think I'm a waste of space or were talking about the fact that they are going to fire me, or that one of my colleagues who knows that I have feelings for the guy that I do was saying stuff to the others, because some of them know him as well, and he can't ever know about it, and oh god my anxiety is playing up again thinking about them saying bad stuff about me (even though I know that they didn't) and about the guy I love finding out that I am in love with him and how badly it will all go and the fact that he will hate me and honestly I can't do that, I don't think I will be able to survive that. I think the fact that I have a job interview tomorrow doesn't help with my anxiety either, but honestly I am calling this a night because I need to breathe and find some way to cope with this all as well.

Night..

Friday 5th:

Dear diary,

The interview went okay I guess. I don't know if I have got the job or not just yet. But man I looked so fucking fat and disgusting in my outfit that I don't even know why I left the house in it at all!! My belly stuck out for miles and all my fat and wobbly bits were so fucking obvious and yucky and I just feel sick thinking about how fat I am and how fat I looked in that outfit.

The rest of the day was semi-okay. Like nothing bad happened, and I've spent the rest of the afternoon and evening watching a couple of great movies as I'm home alone and I needed something to make me feel better today.

I always feel so empty and alone at this time of year - well today in particular. And I am alone going through it... Well I was alone last year kind of, as my ex had no fucking idea what the day was and does not fucking care (he cared so little that he decided to ditch seeing me when we were supposed to meet up because his game was more important, and the next day he decided to turn up at mine at nearly 6 in the evening and left at like 9 or earlier but was so mad the whole time). The only person who was there for me last year was my best friend - he didn't know what I was going through (as in hadn't experienced it), but knew it was a hard time for me and offered me so much support, which was amazing of him to do and got me through the day - I don't know if I'd have got through the day without him. But I'm going through it all alone this year. He doesn't know (but he doesn't have to). 3 years ago today I lost my baby. I thought I was expecting for a while, but it took months to get a positive pregnancy test. And then the next day I lost my baby. And it kills me every day. It's been three years now and it hasn't got any easier at all. I hate myself for not being good enough for my baby. I mean a woman's body is made to carry a baby, and I can't even achieve what I was actually made to do - and if I can't do that, then how can I achieve anything?! I know it's stupid to think that as I would never blame any other lady or anything, but I hate myself for not being good enough for my baby. I would have been 5 months pregnant at the time, so it wouldn't have been too much longer until I met my little one! I just hate myself and I miss her so fucking much!! It would have given me purpose, strength and hope - a reason to live. I know now that I won't be ready to have a kid at this moment in time, I am not ready financially or emotionally, but back then I would have been, and it makes me so sad that I never got the chance to prove myself and to have someone to actually love me, because no one did love me back then, and nobody loves me now either, and I would have someone who loved me (hopefully). Sometimes I still fall asleep pretending that my baby is laying next to me or in my arms because I just feel so alone and empty and I have no one and sometimes I just need to pretend that I do have someone there for me, just to help me sleep at night. So that is also why I was upset that my ex didn't remember, because it was his and it should have been important to him, but he didn't care in the slightest, probably because he didn't love me and didn't care. He was pretty insensitive about it when it happened as well, well when I told him.

But I don't want to talk about it anymore, I don't think I can deal with it, especially if I keep talking about it. So I will write to you tomorrow. Night...

Saturday 6th:

Today was alright I guess.

It was quite a full-on day, I was working and I spent a few hours at the gym. Work was okay. I spent the whole time I was there anxious because of the guy and what he'd done and I'm worried that he'll turn up to work to fuck with me even more. I'm probably going to stress about that any time I go to work for a while - until I know that I'm safe and away from him. This was my first shift since he fucked me over, but I won't say when all my shifts are in these entries, in case someone I know ever reads this and works out who I am because of it.

But I did enjoy the gym. I really managed to clear my head for a while - I mean it's hard to overthink and stress too much when you are pushing yourself to your limits and aching and focusing on what you are doing and what you have to do next. If my mind starts wandering, then I just turn up the speed or increase the weight or push harder so that I can push my thoughts away a bit more. However it doesn't always work that way unfortunately - sometimes my mind is too full to turn it off, or sometimes I find myself crying on a treadmill or something silly, but it does really help me.

I saw my best friend today as well, which I was so happy about. It makes me feel so much happier seeing him. He really makes me laugh and it makes me feel a lot better being around him. When he left, he gave me a hug and honestly it was amazing and I felt free and my mind was quiet and I couldn't think of anything except how happy I was in that moment and that I felt complete; like it was all I needed in that moment. Which was probably true, I really did need it, an I felt so empty when I got home. I still feel empty now. I wish I could see him and be with him!!

Night

Sunday 7th:

Dear Diary,

Today marks the last day of my first week writing this diary thing. It feels kinda good to not keep it all in all the time. I don't really want to be telling people what's going on all the time, and I literally only have on person to talk to anyway and I can't speak to him about everything all the time, especially not when it's the stuff about him. But at least this way I can tell people, without actually telling anyone who knows me. I've found that it helps my thoughts not be so messy.

But I am just so exhausted today. Emotionally drained and physically and mentally tired. It's just after 8pm and honestly I think I am going to go to bed now. I mean I have to put the sheet on the bed and sort my duvet out as I washed my bedding today, but after that I'm going to get into bed. I may try to sleep, but I may listen to music for a bit to relax me, but I can't be bothered to deal with anything else right now. So I am calling this a night. I hope you liked reading my first entry in this diary, and hopefully that it can help you in some way. Also sorry for not posting a proper entry in a while, but writing this and all the shit that has gone on this week has kinda fucked with my motivation and my idea/writing skills. But I will write more soon.

Stay Strong!!

Have a great day!

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