Dear Diary, ... (29/10-4/11)

I took some time off of here lately because I couldn't deal with it. I mean I love writing here when I am in a good mood, and it is great to have somewhere to express how I am feeling, and to be able to put things into words to share it with you all, but I just couldn't find the strength and motivation to do anything on here until now (5th November). But I did keep up with writing my diary entry for the last week, that I wrote out on my phone, so I can share that with you.

I am exhausted today and have a busy few days coming up so I will post my 30 day challenges and keep writing my Dear Diary entries, but I don't know if there will be any other posts out for a few days, even though I have a few ideas of what I want to write about when I have the time and energy to do it. I apologise!

Monday 29th:

Dear diary,

I just feel like shit today. honestly I can't deal with this all much longer.

I've got a huge bill coming out between now and February, which is more than 2 months paychecks (not including bills etc), but I need to spend it because it's medical stuff that I can't go without or push back on, especially not if I don't want people to hate me or laugh at me or if I ever want anyone (him especially) to find me attractive. And no, it's not a plastic surgery thing, but it does need to be done and does affect how I look. And I look fucking terrible anyway, without this issue!!

I just am sick of being alone, of no one loving me. Of being unattractive and unappealing to everyone in the whole fucking universe. Of no guy ever wanting to be with me. And especially of being in love with him and knowing that he will never love me back. He doesn't even really talk to me anymore and he won't open up to me and let me be there for him. He tells a lot of stuff to his best friend (who is a female as well), and I know he will never be like that with me, and that she has way more of a chance than I do - tbh everyone in the fucking world has more of a chance than I do!! I'm ugly, fat and worthless. He deserves so much better than I could ever give him 💔

*** 11pm emotional update ***

I'm so done with this family!! I love my parents to pieces and all, but they're just fighting and it's pathetic! I mean I'm sure my dad could just pause his fucking game and do what he's been asked to do, instead of acting like a child and causing them both to walk around the house slamming doors and yelling at each other and threatening to damage each others stuff, while I am trying to sleep because my depression is killing and exhausting me, and my new antidepressants are draining all of my energy. I thought they were done with this, but they're just getting so much worse again. I think my dad is going to leave, and then we'll be fucked as I can't pay to keep the house. Fuck it all! Just fucking kill me now!! 

Tuesday 30th:

Dear Diary,

Not much happened today. I went to the gym but I really had to force myself. I usually enjoy my session when I go, but the only enjoyment I got was with my personal trainer. I hated the rest of it for some reason, and hated myself for hating it too. I kinda want to quit the gym but I'm too fucking fat to quit. I don't want to be fat anymore. I want to be skinny and in shape. I want people to find me attractive, and I know they won't now because I'm not attractive... ughhhh. But I don't know if I'll find my motivation again. I have no motivation for anything, not even listening to music - like I can only listen to certain songs now and spend most of the time skipping songs because I'm not getting any enjoyment from most songs now. I fucking hate it!!!

I hope this gets better soon...

Wednesday 31st:

Dear Diary,

It's Halloween today.

I usually love Halloween- it's my favourite time of year. I mean Christmas is great, but it makes you realise how lonely and alone you are. But Halloween is the time of year when I can be myself. I can dress up and express myself and I don't get judged or hated as much for being myself. My normal gothic clothing is what a lot of people dress up as. It's my time. But I'm not feeling it this year. I think it's my motivation fucking me up again, as I spoke about yesterday. But I had a decent evening, watching a movie with my Ma, which was quite nice and made me feel a tad better.

But it's all been so bleugh lately. I just want to hug my cat..

NOVEMBER

Thursday 1st:

Dear Diary,

It's November.

A whole other month that I've been alive for!

A whole other month that I wish I haven't been!

I feel so fucking worthless all the time. I wish I could just fall asleep and stay asleep until my life is together and happy. I just want to skip all this bullshit and heartache and depression and all the fucked up shit that keeps happening to me, and be at a stage when I've got it all together and when I know what happiness is.

On another note, I had my second to last group session thing today, and I cannot wait for them all to be done. I don't know as they're helping or anything, but my anxiety is always so fucking crazy high there. I'm also so stressed because I need another appointment (one to one) as I'm nearly finished my meds for this first month and I need some more. I don't know as they're making much difference but if they up the dosage again that may help me. But they haven't booked me in for an appointment and have none available for about 2 weeks and I'll have run out by then. Plus I am so fucking poor and don't really have the money to buy them but I know I need them with how bad I've been lately. Ughh.

I guess we'll have to see...

Also today I was looking through some of the stuff I took from my ex. It's all my stuff, I didn't steal his stuff. When we were together but I knew the relationship was coming to an end, I started taking my stuff home from his house - just to make it a little easier for once we'd broken up. I sorted most of the stuff out, but there was a bag of stuff I never got around to putting away (I put it under my bed and completely forgot about it until I found it today). So I went through it and found 2 "sexy lingerie" body sets - its a lacy top thing with a garter belt attached, a g-string, handcuff things and stockings. I know for a fact that they are not mine, and also that there is no way that they will fit me, his sister or his mum - but they would fit the girl he got with just after we broke up!! And one of the sets was clearly worn (stains in the knickers etc). So yeah, so much for "I will never cheat, cheating is disgusting and I will never do it" and all that bullshit. Lmao, I love the way he dobbed himself in by accident!!

Friday 2nd:

I am so tired today - exhausted and just tired of everything. Life is so draining and I can't cope well with it.

I just feel so alone all the time. Even when I am not physically alone.

I went to a friend's Halloween party for her son and for friends and their children as well. My other friend has kids so she came, which was why I was invited. There were 5 adults plus me, and I am the only one who doesn't have a child. One of them has 3 kids, two of them are about to give birth to their second, and both my friends want to be/are planning on trying for their second soon. They're all in relationships too. And what do I have? I am single and have lost 3 babies and there is no chance of me having a kid or a relationship any time soon. And it kinda kills me - I mean I'm not ready for a kid yet, but they've all got their lives together and I've got fucking nothing. What a fucking waste of space I am!!

It was also heartbreaking being there, as if things had gone better, I would have my baby there with me - I would have a nearly 3 year old there to enjoy the fun, and maybe I wouldn't have been so alone and left out. Maybe I wouldn't Always Be so alone. 

Ughhh...

Saturday 3rd:

Dear Diary,

I saw my best friend today. It was lovely being able to see him again - and I love spending time with him, no matter the circumstances or how much we get to see/talk to each other.

But he kinda broke my heart. I know he didn't mean to, but I know that he will never love me or want to be with me. I know that I am not the girl for him or his type or what he looks for in a girl or what will make him happy. He likes skinny, naturally gorgeous girls,who also look a lot more normal than me, who have huge confidence and a bubbly personality and who are taller and prettier and just better in every way than me. We were discussing people who dress up in un-halloweeney outfits for Halloween, and who use Halloween to dress a bit like a "prostitute", and he said that he's not complaining about them wearing short skirts etc, but that it really isn't halloweeney. And it fucked me up. I mean of course he likes looking at them. Of course he thinks it's attractive. And of fucking course I look absolutely fucking nothing like them at all, that I am a fat, lardy, scarred, ugly piece of fucking shit who never wear short skirts or anything, and any skirt I wear is always worn with thick tights underneath, so I will never be attractive to him and I will never be anything he can look at and enjoy. I'm just a fucking ugly mess. But oh god, how I wish I was attractive to him - how I wish I looked like one of the pretty girls so that he would fall in love with me :(

Sunday 4th:

Today was basically just as shitty as the rest of the days. I mean I didn't see my best friend today, and I wish I had done. But it was just an empty emotional yet emotionless day.

But I am starting to worry about myself. I mean I've given up on caring about how fucked up I am because I am so fucking fucked up and I always have been. But I keep getting in the mood for stupid reasons. But not in the mood to sleep with anyone. Only to make love with Him. To be with him romantically and to both want to be together in every way. I am never normally this sexual at all - I mean I have wanted to be with him like that before many times, but only in theory (as in that I would like to one day), never quite like this. I look at him and it turns me on, he touches my arm or something and I just think about the feeling of his hand and what I would like to feel him doing with it, I think of how he looks or how he sounds and I just want him so much, and the way he smells just gets me in the mood - I shared a bottle of water with him and it smelled like him and the bottle had touched his lips and thinking of that while smelling him made me almost crazy! Even writing this, I am thinking of him and of us being together like that. I have never been like this before with anyone!!!

I mean it's been a while since I have done anything sexual with anyone - 1 year, 3 months and a couple of days in fact. But I have experienced sexual abuse and assault in the past (I will post about this another day possibly) so sex scares me and triggers me a lot, and I worry about having sex because that's all anyone has ever wanted me for, so for the fact I am this into doing it with him and we're not together or anything, it makes me really confused and kinda worried. I don't know what it means or what to do, or how to get rid of these thoughts and feelings...

Someone help me, please?!...

Stay Strong!!

Have a great day!

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