Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms (An Addictive Behaviour)

***TRIGGER WARNING***

I have some unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I guess we all do.

Some unhealthy coping mechanisms are worse than others - the addictive coping mechanisms (drugs, alcohol, self harm etc.)

I suffer from more than 1 addictive unhealthy coping mechanism.

I am in need of a rant about them. It will be a generalised rant (generalised so as to hopefully be less triggering).

I've spent the last year fighting so that I don't give into my urges. It's been so hard but I wanted to kick the habit as they say. My unhealthy coping mechanisms (well one in particular) are things I want to leave in the past. While they may help at the time, in the long run, they make me feel so much worse. I feel guilty, worthless and hate myself for being so weak that I have to rely on them to get me through the day.

So for the last 5 years, I've been doing whatever I can to give them up. I've been ignoring the voices in my head telling me to just give in, I've fought all the urges no matter how strong they were, I've avoided situations where I will find it harder to resist, and yeah I have had a few relapses during that time, but I thought I was getting there. Even though this last year has been among the toughest, I made it over a year without giving into any urges. OVER A YEAR. I genuinely thought I had got myself past it. The urges were less frequent and less intense, and it was something only ever in the back of my head.

Then a couple of days ago, the urges came back in full force. I couldn't breathe and I was so overwhelmed with the urges. With the voices telling me how much I needed it, how I wouldn't be able to cope without it. And I fought against it - against the need and the overwhelming emotion within me - the one I needed to silence with my coping mechanism, and the overwhelming numbness I felt inside which I needed my coping mechanism to force me to forget - so that I could feel Something, Anything. But I fought it with everything I had. I forced myself to cry to release the overwhelming feelings - the first time I've cried in a very long time. And I distracted myself to ignore the numbness. But after just over 24 hours, I gave in. The voices and urges became too much. I couldn't hold it off. I needed it. I started crying again (this time not intentionally) and everything I felt was too much for me to cope with, I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't breathe and everything hurt. So I gave in. And for about 3 seconds, it really helped. I could breathe again. I could cope. I felt like I was okay. And then the guilt, loathing and self hatred came in. How fucking worthless am I, that I couldn't fight it off. What a fucking waste of space I am. What if someone finds out? What would they think about me?! Why can't I function like a normal person?! I hate myself for giving up. I am so fucking worthless!!

But now the urges are back even worse. It hasn't even been 24 hours since I gave in and it's all I can think about. From as little as about 5 minutes after, it's all I can think about. I close my eyes and memories of giving in plague me. I try to sleep and the voices haunt me. In the silence, they're all I can hear. I can't concentrate, I can't hear over the voices. It's not even just the urges - it's thoughts of things that overwhelm me which I need to get out of my head - and those few moments of peace after giving up are the only thing that might help. I am getting bombarded with my memories, overwhelmed with emotions and plagued with the urges. They all distract me - I spent over 2 hours staring at the same page of my book without reading it because my need to fall back into my old patterns was so great. It still is. I don't know if I'll be able to hold on until the evening, let alone make it through the night without giving in again.

Part of me wants to give in again, just to get some peace - just to quiet my mind. But most of me is too scared. If I give in to my urges, what happens then? I'll be back to how I was before. It's an addictive behaviour and even a second relapse and I'll be hooked. I also don't trust myself to not become a danger to myself if I do give in. But on the other hand, I don't know how much of a danger I will be to myself if I don't give in. Giving could be dangerous as it could cause me a lot of harm, but the more I hold off and am bombarded with this tsunami of feelings and emotions, the more suicidal I feel.

It's like I can't win.

And that's the issue with these unhealthy, addictive coping mechanisms - once you give in, you're back to square one. And it's an endless journey to be okay again.