Christmas

Christmas is a funny time of year.

It's a happy time of year, however it's also the time when depression hits hardest, when finances are shit and when people hit rock bottom.

Christmas really makes you realise how alone you are.

Everywhere you look you see families spending time together doing Christmas activities, friends meeting up and making plans and couples having romantic adventures and fun Christmas dates.

Whereas me, all I'm doing is going to work and then spending the evening reading or watching a film by myself - this is all I ever do, I never have proper Christmas plans.

Also people are constantly posting photos of all the amazing things they've brought for their family and friends and I can't help but compare it with what I've brought for mine and it makes me feel terrible. My loved ones deserve so much for having to put up with me, but I can barely afford to buy one present for everyone, let alone buy all the things other people are buying.

It feels like "Merry Christmas Mum, my friend brought her Mum an all-expenses paid holiday plus a really nice bracelet and an expensive bottle of wine, even though she's a model daughter so doesn't need to buy so much to make up for being a shitty daughter because she isn't one - but here, have this jumper I made you which will probably fall apart within 5 minutes and I don't even know if " - it feels so shit!

It's such a stressful time - buying presents, decorating, wondering if there's something you've forgotten, hoping your pay will last you until your next payday, from about 2 days in to the month, hoping people will like what you brought them. Also there's stressing about having a breakdown due to the stress which stresses you out even more!

All the stress makes family situations worse - instead of fun plans, it's arguments, slammed doors, tears, and days of not talking to each other to avoid another argument - for the whole household.

But I have to say, the worst part of Christmas (at least for me) is that it's such a happy time of year. It should make me feel better, but it makes me feel worse. Even when things are going well at Christmas, I still feel like shit. Everyone is happy and I just want to cry and shut the world out.

I think seeing everyone else enjoying themselves and being so full of joy when you aren't able to do more than fake a smile - that is what makes you feel the absolute worst.

It makes me feel so ungrateful and like I'm the shittiest person in the world.

I cannot stand the feeling.

It gives me no hope for ever feeling true happiness - if I can't even feel it at the happiest time of the year, I doubt I ever will.