Christmas Only Ends In Tiers

Potential trigger warning - Discussions of Coronavirus.

My last update was about Christmas but I am writing another one.

I wrote and scheduled the last post I shared on the 18th December, regarding the feelings I always feel and the things I always think and experience at Christmas on a good year.

Well that was written before Christmas went to shit.

I live in the UK - in the London area to be more specific.

As some of you may or may not know, due to the Covid restrictions, London has now (as of 19th December when I'm typing this) gone into a Brand New Tier 4.

This means I cannot see my family at Christmas, not even for an hour or 2.

I don't know what to do and how to cope with it. Christmas is hard enough as it is when I am surrounded by family on Christmas Day & Boxing day. I still have my parents this year but there's usually 9 of us who meet up at Christmas and now we can't.

I have never in the more than 20years I've been alive spent a Christmas without them all. NEVER!

I rely on being around my family at Christmas - the more of us there are, the easier it is to attempt to forget how shitty I feel and the more easily the fake smiles come.

Conversations are always flowing and there's always someone or something to cause a distraction of one kind or another, so no one notices if I fall into the darkness in my mind for a while or take myself off to the bathroom to recharge my social batteries and put a lid on any unwanted negative emotions before jumping back into my default "Fake-Happy" mode (the one which everyone sees as genuine happiness and joy).

Because of these new rules, I don't have them to fall back on this year.

How can I hide all of that in front of my parents when it's just them I'm hiding it from as they're the only ones who are there.

It will be obvious to them if they're just talking to each other for long periods of time or if I keep leaving the room. There will be less joyful interactions and distractions which make the fake smiles and laughter easier as I can convince myself I really feel them. I need to hide my sadness from my parents because I can't have them finding out how shit I actually feel - it would upset them. They (especially my Mum) puts a lot of effort into Christmas and I know she will be putting even more in this year with all the shit that's happened and to make up for not being able to see the family and I can't be selfish enough to make them worry about me and feel like they've not done enough to make me be happy.

I'm going to end this post here as I am really upset about the news and really working myself up and if I go on any longer, I don't know how safe I'll be able to keep myself. Christmas with my family was all I had to look forward to to keep me strong and now I don't even have that.

I'll be scheduling this for after Christmas as I don't want to risk triggering any feelings in anyone who is in the same situation as me this Christmas.

Endnote: I have taken to writing when I feel something so strongly I need to get it out - this often happens like all at once I have a few things to write about and then I am so empty that I can't bring myself to write anything for weeks. Because of this I have decided to write when I need to and scheduling it a week at a time so I can at least attempt to bring you some content.