Forcing Feelings

Today is a sad film kind of day.

3 sad films one straight after the other.

You know those soppy love stories that always end in heartbreak? Yeah that kind of sad film.

They're not my kind of thing usually, but just sometimes I need to feel something- and experiencing someone else's pain through film can be a great distraction.

However today has been to get me to feel something- anything but anger and emptiness.

I thought that if I could trigger some sadness, then I could trigger other feelings too.

It hasn't worked- I'm at the end of the third film and I'm feeling as numb as I have for the last few months.

I can't feel anything.

And that's quite worrying.

I feel numbness and emptiness and anger but nothing else.

No sadness

No joy

No excitement

No fear.

It's all just gone.

But I know it's there, hidden way below the numbness.

And I know I need to feel it soon, before it all gets too much and I lose myself completely.

I mean I'm worried about not being able to feel anything - this numbness is swallowing me and I feel like I'm not real - like I'm not human or normal. I should be feeling things and I'm not and that's not right. But more than that, i know when my feelings do try to resurface, it will hit me like a fucking tidal wave - I won't be able to breathe and I will lose myself. I don't trust myself when that happens.. and I can't trust myself now as I have no clue when it will happen...

I haven't felt anything in so long.

I haven't cried in over a year, even when shit is going wrong around me and most normal people would be distraught, i still don't even feel the need to cry.

That's how numb I am.

That's how long this has been going on.

And I reckon these feelings will destroy me already, let alone if it goes on any longer without me feeling anything.

So here I am, about to start my 4th sad film of the day, in hopes that I can coax myself to start feeling something so that I can be in control again.