Functioning While Barely Holding On

It's hard - functioning while you're barely holding it together.

It seems like I've got it all together.

I get up.

I paste a smile on my face.

I go to work - working between 6-24 days straight at the moment, only getting 1 day off at a time.

I smile, I laugh, I hold up-beat conversations.

I tell jokes and I make an effort.

But it's all a front.

I work because I need to. I need something to do - a distraction from my mind. I need to feel useful and that I'm capable of achieving something - ANYTHING.

I put on a brave, happy persona because it's the only thing that prevents me from falling apart.

I also don't want my family walking on eggshells around me again and questioning my every move. I can't put them through the stress of worrying about me.

I may put makeup on every day without fail - but that's because I feel sick without it - physically sick at the face I see beneath the mask of makeup. I cannot believe anyone can be as ugly as me, so I have to hide it in order to function.

I go through my days on autopilot, some days I don't know what I've done- they all just blend into one.

But apparently that means I'm okay. I'm coping well.

Little do they know that not giving up, or letting any of my walls drop and faking how I feel is the only reason I am still here, still fighting.

I wouldn't have the strength without faking my feelings - they make me believe I'm strong enough when I know I'm not.